Whether your child is heading back to preschool or daycare, moving into a new classroom, welcoming a new sibling, or something completely different—one thing is certain: transitions are hard on young children.

Transitions can be challenging for children of all ages, but they are especially difficult for toddlers and preschoolers who are still developing their coping skills.

Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD is a clinical psychologist, parenting coach, and the author of The Tantrum Survival Guide: Tune In to Your Toddler’s Mind (and Your Own) to Calm the Craziness and Make Family Fun Again. She’s one of Vivvi’s favorite experts to bring in on major challenges facing parents and young children.

The most important thing you can do to prepare your child for big transitions is to prepare yourself, according to Dr. Hershberg.

“These things trickle down, the emotions and the energy that parents embody trickles down to our kids,” she told Vivvi. “If we’re really nervous or anxious or high strung about transitions, even if we’re saying the right words and doing the right things with our kids, that’s going to get overshadowed by what they can pick up: what you’re actually feeling—anxious.”

Here are more of Dr. Hershberg’s top suggestions for supporting your young children through transitions.

1. Set a date

Can you always schedule your big life changes? No. But when you can, take advantage.
Look at your calendar and pick a date to start potty training. Then work backward to make sure you don’t have too many other big events or transitions going on at the same time. Confirming with the calendar helps you feel more relaxed, controlled, and regulated, Dr. Hershberg told us.

“It’s essential to look at what else you have going on,” she said. “Many families make the very well-intentioned and sometimes unavoidable mistake of taking these on at the same time, or not really looking, and it turns out you’ve started potty training the weekend before you have a big presentation at work or while your partner is out of town.”

2. When to tell your child

Include telling your child about the transition to your calendar, as well. You want to clue your child in to the change they’re about to experience, and talk openly with them—but not too early.

Dr. Hershberg has recommendations on how soon in advance they’ll be able to wrap their minds around the change. She says four-year-olds can handle 5-7 days notice. Three-year-olds even less, roughly 3 days.

3. How to tell your child

Don’t expect to sit down for a big discussion. Toddlers and preschoolers can’t really sit down and have a long talk about an upcoming transition quote yet. They get bored, squirmy, and want to walk around.

But young children in this age range can focus and listen if they have an activity and also they don’t have to look you directly in the eye while they process this new information. That’s a lot of pressure.

“I often think talking in the car is a great idea. Sometimes kids feel like when you’re looking at them it’s too much pressure, you can talk to them when you’re unloading the dishwasher, when you’re both sitting and drawing with crayons,” Dr. Hershberger said. “Sometimes families make the mistake of trying to sit and have a conversation with their 2-, 3-, or 4-year-old. That’s not how that age group relates.”

Explain what is going to happen and why to your child. Use simple language that your child can understand. Answer your child’s questions honestly and openly, but avoid giving too much information that could be overwhelming.

Talk about the transition in a positive way and focus on the exciting aspects of the change. Answer your child’s questions honestly and openly, but avoid giving too much information that could be overwhelming.

4. Name things that will be the same

While talking about upcoming changes and transitions, don’t forget to name things that will stay the same. Yes, your child may be going to a new daycare—but mommy will still be doing drop off. Yes, your child may be moving from a crib to a bed—but daddy will still read bedtime stories.

“You’re naming that the family rituals and routines which kids get so attached to and that help them feel safe are still going to be the same in a lot of ways,” Dr. Hershberger told Vivvi. “It’s not suddenly their whole world is going to be turned upside down.”

Tip: create a story book about your transition! Write the story out and make it your bedtime story for the next week until the transition happens. Children find a lot of comfort in stories and in books so creating it together that they can return to is a powerful thing. This can be used whether you’re getting ready for a new daycare, going from crib to bed. Add things that are different, but also things that will be the same. You can go total Pinterest on your book, or use a stack of post-it notes with chicken scratch—your child will love it just the same.

5. Transitions take time

Transitions can take time for young children to adjust to. Be patient and understanding with your child as they go through this process. Parents can expect most big transitions taking between two and three weeks before your child (and everyone else in the family) finds a rhythm.

“This is not a one-week situation,” Dr. Hershberger said. ”Have patience with yourself and patience with yourself.”

Allow your child to express their emotions about the transition, and reassure them that you’ll be there with them. Celebrate your child’s successes and milestones during the transition.

6. Brace for regression

During a transition, parents of little ones often see regression in their child. Regressions look like the loss of a recently acquired skill, often sleeping through the night or potty training or maybe suddenly becoming a picky eater.
When experiencing transition, Dr. Hershberger says your child is using all of their resources to regulate—and something has to give.

“That’s why regressions are so common during transitions. There’s a new baby and your older one starts peeing in their pants again, or they switch to a new classroom and they have a harder time falling asleep at night,” she explains. “That’s because they are taking their efforts and their energy and their literal brain power to navigate this and it has to come from somewhere.”

6. When to ask for help

There’s no litmus test for when to ask for help with something as nebulous as feelings around a transition, but Dr. Hershberger says there is a window of time where getting help becomes necessary.

If you’ve reached the two-month mark and your child is still struggling with a change or transition, it may be time to call for support.

“If it’s getting in the way in a real way, really interfering with their ability to do whatever it is they need to do—then you seek some support from a therapist, coach, or teacher,” Dr. Hershberger said. “It just means you need a little extra support, not that you’re doomed.”